(This is a series of notes that I assembled into a handbook for myself during my last year of seminary, in preparation for stepping into church leadership. I've found them helpful to keep in mind during church conflict situations, so I provide them here in the hope that they might prove similarly helpful to others.)
Part 3: How to Handle Confrontation & Conflict
What to Do When Confrontation over Sin Is Necessary:
The Matthew 18 Process:
· - First go and have a one-on-one meeting to gently confront the person about his/her sin (v.15)
· - If that doesn’t work, then go with two or three witnesses (v.16)
· - If that doesn’t work either, present the problem to the congregation, in order that others in the congregation can try to win back their brother or sister (v.17)
· - Finally, if that doesn’t work, cut off contact with the person (v.17)
How to Engage a One-on-One confrontation/discussion:
· - Always remember that restoration is the goal of confrontation
· - Talk in person if possible
· - Plan your words
· - Be quick to listen
· - Bring hope through the Gospel
· - Clarify the issues by asking questions
· - Reflect/paraphrase back what the person is saying, in order to make sure you understand
· - Be clear about showing agreement with anything that is good or right in the other person’s sentiments
· - Talk from beside, not from above
· - Help them examine and understand their root desires and motivations
· - Use “I feel…” statements as much as possible—it’s both gentler, and harder to refute, when you ground your statements in your own experience and perception
· - Be objective, as much as possible
· - Be clear that where sin is involved, it cannot be ignored
· - When you reference or quote the Bible, do it to build up, not tear down
· - Go to great lengths to be gentle and loving, but not so far as to not be firm where sin is involved
· - Ask for feedback
What to Do When Group Conflicts Start to Brew:
· - Be quick with “clear the air” sessions to deal with misunderstandings
· - Use questionnaires or other communication-methods to gather information, to find out:
o The perceptions of those involved (how should things be going, and why, in your opinion, aren’t they going that way right now?)
o The origins of the conflict
o The substance of the conflict
o The emotions involved
o What stage the conflict is in
Running a “conflict management meeting” with both sides involved:
· - Hold meetings on neutral ground (for instance, at a restaurant)
· - Start the session with Bible study and prayer
· - Make clear the goal of the meeting: finding a solution agreeable to all parties, if possible, and restoring harmony and peace in the Body
· - Proceed in a calm & relaxed manner
· - Project optimism about the hoped-for outcome
· - Agree on the rules and norms for the meeting, such as:
o Only one person talking at a time
o Allow each side to articulate its own position (rather than having the opposition talk about their perception of the other side’s position)
o No insults or name-calling
o No unreflective criticism of someone else’s ideas or hopes for change
· - Focus on the issues at hand, not on emotions or old grudges
· - Identify areas of agreement & disagreement
· - Consider possible alternatives, looking especially for short-term stepping stones toward larger changes in the future
· - All ideas should be written down for future reference
· - Discuss the pros and cons of each proposition
· - Consider Biblical teaching and principles on the issue under consideration
· - Motivate commitment to a new plan, if one can be decided upon
o Make it a commitment both to the relationships with one another and to the tasks of the new plan
o Put it in writing
o Help the “losing” side save face by including as many of their words and sentiments as possible into the new plan
o Celebrate the successful conclusion
· - Afterward,
monitor and evaluate the progress of the plan—follow up!