(This is a series of notes that I assembled into a handbook for myself during my last year of seminary, in preparation for stepping into church leadership. I've found them helpful to keep in mind during church conflict situations, so I provide them here in the hope that they might prove similarly helpful to others.)
Part 4: Stages & Styles of Conflict Management
Understanding the Stages of a Conflict:
1.) Tension Development
- At this stage, take the initiative to communicate and clear up misunderstandings
2.) Role Confusion
- At this stage, people are asking, “What’s my part in this mess?” “What should we do?”
- Respond with intentional communication, with a special emphasis on clarifying roles
3.) Injustice Collecting
- At this stage, people begin to pull apart and prepare for battle, assembling a list of grudges and perceived offenses committed against them
- In response, be assertive
- Deal not only with the issues, but also with resentments and hurtful words—we must seek not only a successful resolution, but also healing within the Body (this may not be best done in a large-group conflict-management meeting, but rather in a series of one-on-one or two-on-two meetings
- Make clear the love & care in the relationship
4.) Adjustments
- Negotiate a new set of agreements
Understanding Various Styles of Conflict Management:
Avoiding (ignoring the problem, or simply staying out of it)
- This isn’t usually the best style, but it can be useful in certain situations:
- When the problem is insignificant and will blow over better without your intervention
- When the problem isn’t your responsibility
- When intervention/confrontation might do more harm than good
- When there are clearly irreconcilable differences in the conflict
Accommodating (giving in)
- Useful in certain situations:
- When your own position is clearly the weaker one
- When the long-term relationship is more important than the short-term conflict issues
- When the other solution is equally good
Collaborating (working together to forge a new solution)
- This is generally the preferred style for most conflicts, since it involves both resolution of the problem and a cooperative aspect that helps heal relational wounds
- It requires significant time, as well as maturity and open-mindedness from all parties
Compromising (dividing up the issues at stake, meeting halfway)
- Useful in certain situations:
- When collaboration fails
- When a rapid solution is needed
- Compromising requires that the issue at hand is something that can be divided or exchanged
Competing (sticking to one's own position as the final answer)
- Usually unhelpful, but necessary in certain situations:
- When a quick decision simply must be made by the leader, even if unpopular
- When the two opposing solutions are so different that no middle ground exists
- When one’s own solution really is by far the best
To decide on a particular style of conflict management, it is necessary to consider, with the specific conflict-issues in mind, the necessary balance between concern for the relationships and concern for the issues/goals of the conflict.
- When intervention/confrontation might do more harm than good
- When there are clearly irreconcilable differences in the conflict
Accommodating (giving in)
- Useful in certain situations:
- When your own position is clearly the weaker one
- When the long-term relationship is more important than the short-term conflict issues
- When the other solution is equally good
Collaborating (working together to forge a new solution)
- This is generally the preferred style for most conflicts, since it involves both resolution of the problem and a cooperative aspect that helps heal relational wounds
- It requires significant time, as well as maturity and open-mindedness from all parties
Compromising (dividing up the issues at stake, meeting halfway)
- Useful in certain situations:
- When collaboration fails
- When a rapid solution is needed
- Compromising requires that the issue at hand is something that can be divided or exchanged
Competing (sticking to one's own position as the final answer)
- Usually unhelpful, but necessary in certain situations:
- When a quick decision simply must be made by the leader, even if unpopular
- When the two opposing solutions are so different that no middle ground exists
- When one’s own solution really is by far the best
To decide on a particular style of conflict management, it is necessary to consider, with the specific conflict-issues in mind, the necessary balance between concern for the relationships and concern for the issues/goals of the conflict.